lost.

it is impossible
for me,
to comprehend
how one sees me.

actions, reactions,
i’ve been told,
don’t make sense,
as facts unfold.

those close to me,
(or so i think)
oft hold against,
and thus i sink.

the bottom line
of being sane,
are boundaries
which must not wane.

it cannot be
the best choice,
that when afraid
don’t use my voice,

i let and let
and let some more,
and welcome those
bad through my door.

one day when,
(i hope i’m strong)
i’ll figure what
is right from wrong.

but for now,
i must accept,
that it’s me
i can’t protect.

i’m not sure
if this will come,
’cause as i’ve grown,
i’ve become

a girl who just
cannot tell,
those wishing bad
and wishing well.

confusing as
this may sound,
i feel i don’t
deserve my ground.

wanting always
to be nice,
it’s now myself
i sacrifice.

how i should act,
what i should be,
i’ve no clue–
it’s lost to me.

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push me, pull you.

why? oh, i know,
why? oh, i see–
can’t flee my mind,
i imprison me.

please push away–
with force, i ask.
please push me, fragile,
release as task.

i may still pull,
and tempt with sex,
unsure of feels–
and what comes next.

ah, it just is,
that when i pull–
i pull from fear,
fear when i pull.

please push away,
me far from you–
can’t end the game:
push me, pull you.

 

ought.

oh…
i think i should,
i wish i could,
but never have the nerve.

just what in fact
does it take
to work up enough verve?